In Which Life Gets Messy

My sister and I were laughing with each other on the phone the other day as we started talking about how God stretches us as we have pregnancies and children... and how life just keeps getting bigger and busier. I was laughing at my first pregnancy - how miserable I felt, how glued to the couch I was, how little I could muster up the strength to do...  if I had even tried to think of being pregnant with number 5 while raising a 7 year old, almost 6 year old, 4 year old, and almost 2 year old..... well, I probably would have vehemently insisted that it wasn't possible. And yet, through each pregnancy - God has supplied more strength. That's not to say I'm never tired, or that I never feel like I can't push through to the end of the day; but I know now from past experience that I CAN. I just have to do it. (After praying for the strength! *grin*)  

Isn't God good to us?  He is constantly stretching us, sanctifying us... at times in ways that feel too far and too painful. Yet, He never stretches us to the point of breaking - and that stretching always leads us to somewhere more full and beautiful than we would have dreamed before. 

This is what I have to cling to on those days when everything feels "too much".  Here's a little glimpse of the woman I am inside: I like order. I like organization. I like quiet. I like peace. I like sanity and solitude. I like cups of coffee with musty old books. I like walking slowly through Anthropologie just soaking up the textures and colors. I like spending Saturdays at yard sales and thrift stores. And guess what? Not one of those things really goes well with children. :)  My home, (while neater now than it was when I had two little ones), is not ever going to grace the cover of a magazine. Organization lasts only a short while before it must be attempted again. Quiet is only *sometimes* found between the hours of 1:30-3 and after 9. Peace only visits in short bursts. Sanity and solitude are for the single. Coffee happens every morning, but it's amidst dirty diapers and children's books - nothing you'd find in a romantic antique shop. Anthropologie occasionally makes its way across my google reader, and yard sales and thrift stores happen occasionally, but definitely not for relaxing browsing purposes! :)  For a good long while, without knowing it, I built up resentment towards my kids because of all of these things that I had to give up for them. I was having to change... and I like who I WAS. I wasn't so sure about this new diaper bag toting slightly-frazzled-and-tired-at-times-looking mom that I was morphing into. I liked my old glamorous, sophisticated self, and they were slowly stripping that with-it facade away! (Oh the drama!)  I read this dynamic post 2 weeks ago, and it really resonated with me.

Mrs. Jankovic goes even deeper in her book, Loving the Little Years:

"... the Christian view of self is very different, and you need to make sure that it is the one you have. We are like characters in a story. Our essential self is not back in the intro, waiting to be rediscovered. Who you are is where you are. When you are married, your essential self is married. As the story grows, so does your character. Your children change you into a different person. If you suddenly panic because it all happened so fast and now you don't recognize yourself, what you need is not time alone. What you need is your people. Look out - look at the people who made you what you are - your husband and your children. Study them. They are you. If you want to know yourself, concentrate on them."

This is the beauty of what we experience in this stretching... this changing of our shallow selves by the people God has put into our lives.

"..the Christian woman needs to see, 'I used to be so boring! Now my character has some depth, some people to love, some hardships to bear. Now I have some material to work with.' A Christian woman's view is always forward and never back. Your identity is to be found and resting in other people...  

...People, people everywhere and no time for yourself. But remember that this is your calling. It belongs to you. They belong to you."

 If you don't have her book, I cannot recommend it enough! Mine is now about 30% highlighted, and I was being very stingy with my highlighter! *wink*

One of my favorite quotes? "Fat souls are better than clean houses."
This one stopped me in my tracks.  Oh, I've known it for ages - housework dulls in comparison to what's really important. But fat souls? No, I can't say that's been my area of concentration.  I've sought to train my children's behavior... I've tried to catechize them in the faith... I've tried to zealously guard their attitudes and hearts... all well and good things! But truly pouring myself into nurturing their souls and fattening them up? I've been remiss in this too often. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my to-do list that we spend our days cleaning up (the house and our outside demeanor's), and I don't take the time to pour into their souls.

Today was a practice in that soul-pouring. We played today. We laughed around our breakfast, we watched a little movie, we made homemade modeling clay (recipe #6 if you're interested) and crafted it into little sculptures. I let Davina spend naptime with me instead of resting in her room. (We had fun!! We exercised, we read, we snacked...) After naps, we loaded up and went to Target to get the things we needed for finishing our project.

We came home, ate dinner, and spent the rest of the evening covering clay in paint and bathing it off of ourselves. It was exhausting! And it was FULL, fresh, meaningful, and sweet. I didn't wave away their myriad questions because my brain was tired. I dug in, answered them as best I could, and thoroughly enjoyed the process. I'm going to fail at this... I won't always live my days so full. But this is a season of stretching, and I'm glad for it. And I'm going to try to remember:

Our little ones take a lot of time... a lot of brain power... a lot of selflessness.

But oh, how preciously worth it they are! And I know from previous and current experience that those chubby cheeks fade away all too quickly.

The constant guiding and training lets up and moves into something that looks a lot more like camaraderie and friendship.

The messy paints will one day be stored away in a box on the shelf, and I'll pour over the memories and pictures and wish that I could wipe up those messes just one more time for my own little ones.

Because life is a vapor - and these years with little ones are short. THIS is the time I've been given to pour into their souls, THIS is my opportunity to nurture them and love them and cuddle them and make messes with them. 

"Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this...
...You will not even remember the work of this planting when the harvest of joy overwhelms you." - Rachel Jankovic, Loving the Little Years